My Addiction

I have an addiction to chocolate.
I don’t even like chocolate.
But when I crave it, I don’t calm down until I get it. And then I eat it all, right away, no sharing.

I try to stay away because, well, chocolate and I don’t exactly get along all that great. It’s a really abusive relationship from both sides. It clings to me like a needy boyfriend and I just straight use it like substance abuse. Back home, on my days where I was sad, mad, and hated everyone but wanted everyone to love me, I would sit on my bed with magazines, a tub of peanut butter, and a tub of hazelnut spread. Then I would take a scoop of the peanut butter and of the chocolate and eat until I felt incredibly full and hyper. The sugar rush was great and I was happy again.

Girls nights would happen and everyone would eat marshmallows or chips. I would awkwardly offer people the Nutella hoping they would decline and then we would eat lays dipped in Nutella. It was amazing.

My dad once brought clothes into my room and when he turned to go, he saw the stash of Nutella in my closet. He gave me a weird look, said something about Safeway having a sale, and left. I felt kind of bad because, like I said, I don’t even like chocolate. I just need it. I had two chocolate bars stashed in my bedside drawers that day too.

Now I’m in Europe where they have fewer big bars of chocolate and more little snack size bars. But even these 16squares of chocolate covered hazelnuts are meant for sharing or saving. Each time I have one, its gone before I have the chance to offer it. Oddly enough, if someone offers chocolate to me, I’ll decline without any temptation. Maybe it’s a form of public denial.

I once thought about having a friend keep me accountable. I was allowed to buy chocolate and eat it, but I was never allowed to eat the full bar in one day. But it’s so hard! The company squishes them into perfect breakable squares and all it takes is one drop for it to crack. From there it’s the do-good-we in me that says “clean up the crumbs” and “that one squat square is broken and alone. Better make this look uniform again.” So the accountability was a bust.

However,I am not a chocolate junkie. I like to buy the hazelnut chocolate by myself and I only eat chocolate mousse with 5 of my best friends. I don’t like mochas very often, gifts of chocolate are not as delicious in my mind, and if I eat chocolate in front of people who are not in the 5bestfriends group I feel self- conscious and lose my appetite.

So, I basically only eat chocolate alone in my room and the hide the evidence. I think I have it all under control.

🙂 The sun decided to shine today, my last day in Valencia! It was perfect for my walk to the store for chocolate. (Wish I was kidding. I’m not.)
Have a wonderful afternoon, world!
Todo mi amor,
Sarah.

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