Your Child Is Not Cute.

Dear Dining Customer With The Adorable Toddler, 

   Firstly, welcome to our restaurant, my section, and now, your table for the evening. Here are some menus for yourselves and also a handy colouring book and crayons to keep your super cute 2 year old entertained during your stay. Let me get you a highchair. 
Oh, no highchair you say? Okay, how about a booster seat? No? 
Oh. I see how this is going to be. You’re going to wine and dine and let your little proof of your union run free. You’ll smile when he walks up and grabs things off other people’s tables, and you’ll laugh and shake your head as he throws salt and pepper all over the table and floor all the way from your back table to the front door. When I walk him back to you after prying out my other table’s knife from his hands, you will notice my grimaced smile, tilt your head to the side and say with a smile, “Oh thank you.”  To your destructive and undisciplined child you will say, “Honey, stay here. No, give me that please.” 
And then he makes his face that you really hate to see. Its the one he makes when he’s not happy! OH NO! GASP! Whatever are we to do? 
“Don’t cry, baby. It’s okay. What do you want? Do you want to colour? Do you want to eat some more chicken fingers?” 
No. He wants the salt shaker again. By all means, grant his wish. He’s two and obviously better at decision making than you are. 

Alright, well now that I have to refill your salt shaker when you leave and vacuum under your table only, you might assume I’m a little pissed. And I would love nothing more than to confirm your assumption, but dear Customer, I am a better actress than that. The worst I will give you will be an exasperated look if you order another martini while your child is trying to pull the menus off the host stand. 

You will laugh and smile and call your mom to tell her how cute her grandson his. “Oh he’s making all the waitresses smile and the other tables love him.” you’ll lie. I go peel your sweet little ankle-biter off another table’s chairs and encourage him back to you. Meanwhile, I’m also hoping that you will realize that his diaper needs to be changed pronto and, just in case you weren’t aware, us servers are not your babysitters and its likely illegal for us to do change him. So, oh. I’m sorry, you’re going to have to actually do something with your child for three minutes and make him comfortable again. 

Can I interest you in desert? Any ice cream for this pint sized munchkin? Sure thing, and I’ll bring the bill with that. 
You pay, I vent to my other servers, we all agree your and your child need to go, and finally you do. 
Thank you so much for coming, and please, really, do come again. 
Please come alone, though. Your kid is a tyrant and he’s learning from you. Take a parenting class and teach your kid that his behaviour tonight was not appropriate. Muchly appreciated! 

See you next tuesday! 
sincerely, 
Your server and everyone else who almost tripped over your negligent parenting. 

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